As a sex therapist, I’ve discovered that even the most informed people can have false beliefs about sex. This is hardly surprising given the prevalence of false information about sex disseminated by the media, cultural standards, and unreliable sources. I’ve identified six widespread myths among my therapist clients, friends, and occasionally even my colleagues in the social work & therapist communities.
6 Common MisconceptionsAbout Sex
Good sex should be effortless and not take any training or practice
I help those who feel guilty and embarrassed about not being able to please their partners. They may not have learned about sex as children and may have had little opportunity to engage in it. They feel uncomfortable and inadequate during sexual activity.
I start by assisting these people in realizing that their situation is entirely typical. Although it is a bodily necessity, having sex does not “simply happen.”Every new partner has a learning curve; it takes time and works to get to the point where everything flows effortlessly.
Similar to dance, sex. You must first master the dance! The components of “sex-ed” that I instruct couples on include the music, the moves, the dancing “language,” and the etiquette. Second, practice is necessary! The duo will be able to create more impromptu dancing movements the more they practice.
Third, effective sex needs communication between couples, just like dancing. You should not expect your sexual partner to be able to read your thinking. Having open discussions about sex before, during, and after helps both partners feel comfortable and discover what worked (and those that did not).
Sexual desire ought to come naturally. If it doesn’t, your relationship must be having problems.
According to the most recent study on the subject, the majority of women and a sizable minority of men have responsive rather than spontaneous sexual desire. Only 15% of women and 75% of men experience spontaneous sex.
In other words, most women (and many men) don’t suddenly start fantasizing about sex while doing the dishes! To switch into “sexy mode,” they must either consciously cue themselves or receive a cue.
How does this affect you? This means that not always wanting sex is common. It’s also common to frequently desire sex. You must accept yourself exactly as you are.
Scheduling sex turns to have sex into duty and takes the fun out of it.
I can appreciate this reaction. Why must we arrange sex in addition to everything else in our lives? Sexual activity should be enjoyable and spontaneous, not forced and controlled, right? To this I say: I agree. Having sex shouldn’t be planned with the same mentality as chores, work, or other responsibilities.
Plan it with the enthusiasm you would for anything you anticipate, such as a great night out, a visit from a friend, or a cosy night in. It only needs to be intentional; it doesn’t need to be extravagant. Set aside time for your relationship that is focused and of high quality.
Life is busy, so arranging sex makes sense. The luxury of having a lot of free time where both partners are interested and ready for sex at the same time is not something most couples can afford. This does not imply that there is a problem. It just signifies that you’re busy. So give yourself a break and schedule a seductive date night. Planning it with a positive outlook may enable you to mentally and physically get ready and serve as a mood-setting signal.
Every time you have sex, your body ought to be able to react the same way.
Amazing, multifaceted, and intricate organisms make up our bodies. Numerous factors can influence sexual responsiveness at any particular time.
Numerous elements affect your body’s reaction during sex, including what you had for lunch, your stress level at work, your partner’s sense of connection with you, and your sexual confidence. No, your body is not a machine. From day to day, it will react differently to the same situation. Orgasm and arousal could be effortless one day but not the next. This is typical.
In fact, seeing how your sexual response varies day to day might be interesting. You and your partner must grow to understand and appreciate one another’s wants and preferences as well as your own.
Be prepared for sex, learn about your turn-ons and turn-offs, listen to your body, and avoid distractions as much as you can. As you discover the distinctive and fascinating ways in which your mind and body react to sexual relationships, these are all fantastic ways to boost your confidence.
Before going to bed at night is the ideal time to have sex.
It’s not necessary to have sex before going to bed. When they finally go into bed to sleep, many people are fatigued. It’s not always the ideal recipe for satisfying sex to try to gather the energy to have sex while your body is winding down for the day. I suggest couples get to bed early if nighttime is the ideal time. Don’t expect to have sex when you fall asleep at your regular hour. Set your intentions and carve aside some time.
Moreover, keep in mind that sex doesn’t always occur at night! Many couples discover that the greatest time to date is in the morning, the afternoon, or shortly after you get home from work.
Experiencing discomfort during sex is normal (BDSM aside).
The experience of pain during intercourse is abnormal. The usual guideline is to stop or modify intercourse if it hurts. Certain positions may cause rubbing or chafing; in these situations, lubricant or changing positions may be beneficial.
Women having sex before their bodies are completely aroused is one of the most common causes of pain I hear about. The uterus tilts up and away from the vagina, the vagina lengthens, and the entrance to the vagina relaxes during arousal. These alterations create room for penetration and intercourse coupled with lubrication.
Men are also susceptible to this. Although males tend to show signals of excitement sooner than women do, it can take a guy some time to develop a full-body state of arousal.
Generally speaking, I advise couples to schedule at least 20 minutes of kissing, stroking, foreplay, and flirting; it might take longer. Use lube if you need to, of course! There are other additional causes of sex-related pain. If you have discomfort during sex, please get assistance—talk to your doctor and contact a sex therapist.